As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
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Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
car not found
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
He’s cranky this morning
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say