“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
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Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
This could be us but you eatin’
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
🏙👨🏼
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet