[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
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[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Thoughts
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much