I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
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*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
catch me on valentine’s day like
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there