me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
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Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
My daily affirmation
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.