[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
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Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Need WebMD
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Saturday
no their not
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing