*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
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There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
plums roundup
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?