Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
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Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Why font matters.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.