1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
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Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I falcon love using swear birds
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene