If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
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her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?