HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
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So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
🙂🐾
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Schrödinger’s cookie
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me