Just why bro?!
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When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Broom by every window for quick escape.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
The only equipped I am is ill.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.