TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
You Might Also Like
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”