Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
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Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Mhm.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.