“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
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Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Is this you?
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
@ candidates for local office
How did we not see this back then?
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively