It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
You Might Also Like
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution