People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
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pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.