DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
You Might Also Like
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Would you wear it?
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
😂😂
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear