I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
You Might Also Like
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.