Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
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My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
mood
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.