Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
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before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Ugh
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”