In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
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date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
#ParentingFacts
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?