There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
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If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
These work great until they don’t.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric