“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
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Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
never deleting this app.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes