Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
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Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.