Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
You Might Also Like
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
This probably isn’t good
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!