It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
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Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
can’t talk my ride’s here
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.