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new record!
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4