JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
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Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Today’s Times
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Human are so complicated
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.