If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
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Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
DOOO EEEET
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat