“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
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For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes