All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
You Might Also Like
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
🤣🤣🤣
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.