I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
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I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes