Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
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Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.