Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
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ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit