This is not me but this is me
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[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done