I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
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Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
calling in to work dehydrated
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Worst Native American name ever.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow