You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
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The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate