“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
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Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees