I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
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I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
eggs benadryl
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.