I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
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Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Nice try, NASA
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators