Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
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Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw