My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
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MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
normalize having existential bread
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist