[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
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Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Worst perfume name ever.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.