Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
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Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …