*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
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[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.