My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
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In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read