up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
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Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.