Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
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I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.