Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
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me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block